The Recipe for Friendship

A simple, powerful framework from my work as a psychotherapist and women’s circle facilitator

The Recipe

UnderstandingThe Problem: Why Friendships Struggle Today

Here are the key hurdles facing most women today:

1. The Challenge of Fragmented Friendships

In previous generations, social life was integrated: you often saw the same people across different parts of your life (church, work, neighborhood). Today, our social ties are fragmented. We have separate friends for work, family, fitness, and hobbies.

The result is relational inefficiency: you must coordinate, text, and spend one-on-one time with each person separately. This constant effort is taxing on already full lives, causing weeks or months to pass without seeing a close friend—which leads directly to the next issue.

2. Scheduling Hurdles and Lack of Regularity

Women are the primary kinkeepers, the nurturers, and the holders of social bonds in society. Frankly, this is a lot of work. When dealing with the crush of responsibilities, friendship is often the first thing women sacrifice.

This neglect results in a critical lack of regularity. Research shows that to maintain deep bonds, friends need to spend time together once a week (or at minimum, consistent frequent contact). Close friends often go four to six weeks without gathering—a rhythm that makes genuine connection nearly impossible to sustain.

3. Lack of Intention and Purpose

Many of our friend interactions are unscheduled and occur in passing, alongside other responsibilities: at the soccer field, during a quick lunch break, or while multitasking at a gym class.

While these are important touch-points, they lack intentionality and purpose. Without a clear, dedicated reason to gather, meetings are often cancelled, priorities shift, and connections become fragile. When life’s peripheral meetings stop, the friendship often dissolves.

4. Imbalance of Effort in Friendship Maintenance

Organizing existing friendships and initiating new ones relies heavily on a few key individuals, a pattern often driven by factors like attachment style, personality traits (such as extroversion or introversion), and varying levels of fear of rejection. As these "initiators" move more and more into the role of reaching out and organizing, they inevitably face burnout, and even resentment.

This creates a lose-lose scenario: the initiators become exhausted, and the friends who are more reluctant to lead slowly disengage socially. Solving this dilemma requires a model where all women share the responsibility of initiating and maintaining friendships, benefiting everyone by providing support to the initiators and empowering those less inclined to lead.

When considering the challenges facing modern friendship, the most important takeaway is this: It is not your fault! Societal changes have made maintaining deep connections inherently difficult. While we cannot change society overnight, we can actively work against the tides of digital saturation, lack of intentionality, and fracturing communities. We start small: by inviting someone for coffee, a walk, a double-date with another friend, or to attend a local event. Taking chances on one another is something society can’t take from us—it may be harder, but if we show up as villagers, a village will be built. Here is a recipe for how to take more chances and build a stronger village in your life.

The C.A.R.E. Recipe for Friendship

C — Commitment

Commitment transforms friendship from a passive aspiration into an active priority, providing the relationship with a foundation strong enough to grow through the shared intention to show up for each other. For women, it can be a radical act to put themselves "first on the list" and commit to prioritizing time with women who nurture, feed, and fuel a sense of connection and wholeness. This intentional prioritization acknowledges that these nurturing relationships are not a luxury, but a vital necessity for emotional well-being. By treating friendship as a non-negotiable part of a flourishing life you are actively investing in something that both supports your individual growth and validates your inherent need for connection and belonging.

A — Accountability

Accountability in friendship means the load is carried by the relationship itself, not by one individual. The responsibility is shared, ensuring the emotional labor of maintaining the connection doesn’t fall on one person's shoulders. Instead, everyone participates and contributes equally to the health and vitality of the bond.

This shared sense of accountability fosters true mutuality, which is the recognition that both parties are equally invested in the relationship's well-being. When this dynamic is present, it moves the friendship beyond just connection into a place of deep respect, support, and satisfying reciprocity. Mutuality, therefore, becomes the critical ingredient that transforms a casual friendship into an enduring, enriching partnership.

R — Regularity

Regularity is the heartbeat of connection. Science tells us that consistent time together—whether we're sharing new experiences, having deep conversations, engaging in unplanned "driveway" catch-ups, gathering around festive meals, or simply spending time in each other's homes—creates a rhythm where friendship can become deeply rooted. Without this consistent contact, even the closest friendships inevitably drift. Making a conscious effort to establish this rhythm shows that the relationship is a priority, allowing trust and intimacy to flourish.

E — Education

When you learn the psychological and relational patterns that shape connection, you become more grounded, more compassionate, and more skillful in all your relationships. Just like many other things women are expected to be "naturals" at, friendship is complex, and there's far more to it than meets the eye! To truly engage with this complexity, there are many aspects of friendship to consider and questions to ponder that may not be instinctive:

  • What kind of friend are you? Where do your super-strengths lie? What do you bring to your relationships that is truly valued by your closest connections?

  • What qualities do you most desire in the friends you choose?

  • What are your core friendship values? Which friendships match with some or most of those values?

Reflecting on these types of questions brings greater intentionality and priority to how we connect with others, enriching our lives and theirs.

Bring the Recipe to Life with The Invitation

The Invitation is a yearlong, guided friendship experience designed to help women gather with ease, intention, and consistency. It offers a simple structure for creating an intimate circle of up to eight women, supported by monthly content, reflection prompts, and seasonal gatherings.

You choose the women. You choose when and where you meet. The Invitation provides everything else you need to build nourishing, meaningful friendship with less effort and more joy.

  • Your group begins with a shared yes. A full year together creates the time and stability needed for genuine connection to take root and grow.

  • The Invitation provides the framework, monthly materials, and guidance so the emotional labor doesn’t fall on one person. Responsibility is shared naturally across the group.

  • Monthly gatherings create a dependable rhythm. When connection is scheduled and protected, friendship becomes consistent, steady, and deeply supportive.

  • Each month includes content that helps you understand the emotional, psychological, and relational patterns behind women’s friendships. These insights help you show up more honestly and compassionately with one another.

Learn More About The Invitation